I would say that, uh, I can’t spend all my time with, uh, my birth certificate plastered on my forehead (snicker). It is what, the facts are the facts. And so it’s not something that I can, I think, uh, spend all my time worrying about and I don’t think the American people want that.

Damn straight the American people don’t want that, Barry! Look, when you’re busy managing the most transparent administration evah, we all know you can’t let routine paperwork get in the way of pushing your agenda. And can you imagine just how silly-looking and downright unsafe it would be for Obama to glue his Hawaiian birth certificate to his forehead, which is precisely what the crazy “birthers” have been demanding our President do? Seriously, think how distracting and potentially dangerous that would be, obscuring Dear Leader’s vision with a piece of paper stuck to his face while he’s bowing before the Japanese, Chinese or Saudi heads of state. Sheesh.

The bottom line is that it’s all about priorities, people! Were our President to waste precious minutes of his valuable time providing evidence of his birthplace, not to mention his college transcripts, that would very likely interfere with time slotted for golf and other important presidential duties. Worse still, it would suggest our Chosen One has caved in to the conspiracy theorists.

Besides, it’s really in Obama’s strategic interest to let rumors and innuendo surrounding his background simmer to a boiling point with all those nut-jobs on the far right. Their growing furor over our Dear Leader’s non-information helps isolate them from the rest of us “normal” citizens, people who understand that to be a real American you must show deference to your socialist overlords elected leaders at all times and don’t ask stupid questions that challenge their authority in any way. That’s so 1960’s!

So let the critics suspect that Obama’s records at Occidental, Columbia and Harvard are sealed from public scrutiny because he was really just a mediocre student from Indonesia, or something crazy like that. We all know that Obama is the most intelligent, intuitive, foresightful, ass-kicking leader this nation has ever seen. No hard proof of these facts is required, because contrary to what critics say, we can rest assured that the mainstream media dug way deep into our Dear Leader’s history during the primaries of 2008, and his glorious background is nothing short of impeccable. So move along now, folks, nothing to see here....