Acorn Souvenirs item of the month... Captain Kickass!
"I don't sit around talking to experts because this is a college seminar. . .We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick!"
President Barack Obama, Today Show interview, June 8, 2010
When a multi-million gallon oil leak threatens the American Gulf Coast, who ya' gonna call? Captain Kickass, of course!
Indeed, Captain Kickass has kicked so much ass in recent months that it's getting hard to keep it all straight. And we're not just talking about his golf game! Among his more dazzling achievements this past summer, few feats can top the way Captain Kickass single-handedly made an oil slick the size of the moon dissipate into thin air… with his MIND! Yes, using his brains and charisma, our Nobel Prize-winning, ass-kicking President apparently inspired some previously unknown microbes with a taste for hydrocarbons to, literally, eat the oil. That's right, billions of microbial ass-kickers are working the ocean floor on behalf of our Dear Leader to save the day! Just think of all the things our Captain will motivate us surface dwelling plebes to accomplish in the months ahead!
Complete with detachable golf club and teleprompter accessories, your Captain Kickass bobble head will serve to inspire you throughout the day as he emanates pure awesomeness. Available now in our on-line store.
Indeed, Captain Kickass has kicked so much ass in recent months that it's getting hard to keep it all straight. And we're not just talking about his golf game! Among his more dazzling achievements this past summer, few feats can top the way Captain Kickass single-handedly made an oil slick the size of the moon dissipate into thin air… with his MIND! Yes, using his brains and charisma, our Nobel Prize-winning, ass-kicking President apparently inspired some previously unknown microbes with a taste for hydrocarbons to, literally, eat the oil. That's right, billions of microbial ass-kickers are working the ocean floor on behalf of our Dear Leader to save the day! Just think of all the things our Captain will motivate us surface dwelling plebes to accomplish in the months ahead!
Complete with detachable golf club and teleprompter accessories, your Captain Kickass bobble head will serve to inspire you throughout the day as he emanates pure awesomeness. Available now in our on-line store.
Recovery Summer Special!
In celebration of our fabulous Recovery Summer, all Acorn Souvenirs items for sale in our store are subject to a list price discount equivalent to the current US unemployment rate. That's right, the higher the unemployment rate, the less you pay!
Your current Recovery Summer discount: 9.6%
So hurry! Purchase your souvenirs today, because with the way this economic recovery is raging, the unemployment rate (and your corresponding Recovery Summer discount) will soon be approaching ZERO! Full employment is just around the corner!
In celebration of our fabulous Recovery Summer, all Acorn Souvenirs items for sale in our store are subject to a list price discount equivalent to the current US unemployment rate. That's right, the higher the unemployment rate, the less you pay!
Your current Recovery Summer discount: 9.6%
So hurry! Purchase your souvenirs today, because with the way this economic recovery is raging, the unemployment rate (and your corresponding Recovery Summer discount) will soon be approaching ZERO! Full employment is just around the corner!
Full disclosure, fellow citizens: Our most glorious products celebrating the magnificence of The One are presently manufactured 100% in the state of Arizona. Therefore, should you decide to buy an item here today, you may be committing an act that goes contrary to the wishes of The Peoples Republic of Los Angeles and other locales. We hope this fact does not deter you from making a purchase. Rest assured, proceeds from our current sales are being used to fund an exploratory committee tasked with seeking a more suitable illegal immigrant-friendly locale for Acorn Souvenirs. Naturally, the site we ultimately select will be sympathetic to the utopian promise of Big Government sanctuary cities, and staffed by the best manufacturing labor unions your stimulus money can buy*. Once this locale is identified, we will relocate our operations there immediately. We are confident the resulting quadrupling of the price of our future products will be more than mitigated by your heightened sense of patriotism and the tingle you will feel up your leg as you put our series of commemorative icons to use in your home or office. So hesitate not – purchase with pride your Acorn Souvenirs today!
* We promise our unions will get the job done one way or another!